Dust and Highlighter

-I found this text lying around under a pile of files, inside a file, crumbled and dusty. Forgive me, I can not seem to find a date on it but I think this was around 2013. There are a lot of grammatical errors in this but I did not think of fixing them because I would prefer the original text, which was not written in a concious state of mind. Yes, it is lengthy.

“I don’t want you to love me – I’m not capable of it. Soon, I will be just a pretty mess. What would you adore in a coughing, bleeding beauty, then?
I don’t want to be here, why is it important. No, I don’t like it here – my head hurts too much – take me out. Your car, windows down. Being alive is always a daily victory. I don’t want to talk about the past or cry about the pain, neither whisper my desires while you pass my words out your ears. Let the windows stay down, dear – please – the close suffocates me. It will suffocate me. I’ll die for the same reasons.
It’s already hard to survive. It’s too difficult to keep a smile pulled by both edges when your head is stuffed and tied in a bag.
Please take me out, you don’t even have to talk to me – or, for a fact do anything – let me be. I adore the peace and beauty. Don’t watch me laugh or dance, don’t steal it away from me. It seldom happens. Oh, please take me to a beach. I’m sick for them.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Forgive me.

My vision is not in focus, stop testing my patience – believe me, don’t underestimate me. Shut up, let me speak, let me finish. Admit I’m a good person and I will prove it. I put up with a lot – with a lot from you, you will remember me. Your patience and blood isn’t half of my mindless crap. Don’t mind the language – I I never rolled my eyes at your opinion or desire. I don’t want to speak anymore – I don’t. I never do now. All I want t do is throw up from how sick you have made me. Tell me I’m wrong, I was waiting for someone to agree. This isn’t the smile of an upset, darling, it’s satisfaction. Stay with me, bear the silence – prove what I mean to you. I can dig out your heart and burn it to ashes – believe me, but I will not.
Sit across me, or beside me. Be with me, I’m not always vulneable. I am changing. Gradually, but I am changing. Does it always have to be this way? I have a fragile memory. Don’t shout at me because I forgot where I kept the pills. Be beside while I cough and throw tantrums – it pains a lot. It pains too much.
I can, even silently, be the best thing you have been with. Yes, there are chances we get bruised, but I’ll take care of you.

However, there might be a predicament to my company ..well, you.. see, I’m a runaway. I run away from things and return to those of my worth or use. I’m sorry if I runaway from you. I would never have done a thing wrong. Never. Trust me, oh, just never faill in love with me.

I want to quit breathing. What’s most difficult right now is to not cry. Because all I do these nights is cry like a newborn and stare in to mid-air. I don’t even know why I cry. I feel so scared-everyday-that I will get amnesia. That is why I have started writing little notes and keeping them around so I do not forget. I’m just not satisfied anymore – with anything. We’re all trying and stressed and lonely.
It’s only making me lose hope…again.”


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